This quarter has been busy as hell. I'm taking a lab course, so every Tuesday and Thursday, I'm in lab from 7-11PM. Then I also go in on Saturday and Sundays for at least 3 hours each day to finish things up. Along with that, I have to go to clasa and do lab writeups every week for that course. It's been a time sink, but somewhat enjoyable.

I'm also taking two other technical courses, a higher level analog design course and a PCB design course. After midterms these next two weeks, the projects will start up in those courses. I can only imagine I'll be busy beyond belief at that point.

On top of that, I still need to make some progress on research and figuring out a project for myself to own and hopefully write a paper on.

I just feel myself drowning... and I'm not quite sure what to do.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? Went surfing and got a fat lip. I guess going to the dentist and having my wisdom teeth out.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions and will you make more for next year? I don't remember my New Year's Resolutions last year. I did make some for this year though.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not super close, but a lot of my facebook friends had babies. The closest person to me was my friend Tonya from HS.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No.

5. What countries did you visit? None. Just stayed in the US, but I did have a traditional college Spring Break and roadtripped to Florida for the first time.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? A pet.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? May 16 - College graduation.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Graduated college. Bought myself a car. Learned to swim.

9. What was your biggest failure? Dave.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I got a sinus infection over Spring Break, and a fat lip from surfing.

11. What was the best thing you bought? My car.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Brian, for putting a ring on it. :)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Dave.

14. Where did most of your money go? Car. (I bought it brand-new, in cash.)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Graduating, starting graduate school... Spring Break in Florida and seeing the Atlantic Ocean. Surfing for the first time.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? Taylor Swift - Love Story... because I listened to it all the fricking time.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder? Sadder.

b) Thinner or fatter? Fatter, by about 3-5 lbs.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Exercise.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Fighting.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? Spent it with big sis in Chicago. We hung out and played Little Big Planet.

21. How will you be spending New Year's Eve? Having dinner with big sis, Brian, and Ian.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009? Yes.

23. How many one-night stands? Nada.

24. What was your favorite TV program? In the beginning of the year, probably something on the Food Network, but toward the end, I gravitated toward something more funny like Community. I always liked House though.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Dave.

26. What was the best book you read? Probably Catch-22.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Lady Gaga. I learned to love that bitch.

28. What did you want and got? Getting into Stanford for graduate school.

29. What did you want and not get? For Dave and I to stay together.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Star Trek.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 22, and I can't remember what happened. I think I made dinner with Dave and watched a movie?

32. What is one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Being closer to family, keeping friendships.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? T-shirt and jeans (yoga pants for fat days).

34. What kept you sane? Farmville. Basically, doing mindless things to keep me busy.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Chris Pine and Hugh Dancy.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Health care reform.

37. Who did you miss? Big sis.

38. Who was the best new person you met? Alfredo, my Mexican buddy at Intel.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: Learning to let go and move on.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: It's gonna get harder still before it gets easy. You can't keep safe what wants to break. I'm alone in this. I'm all as I've always been - right behind what's happening.

I have two exams this week, and I've yet to study for them. My mind is muddled and distracted. I feel weak, but yet I'm not hungry. Sometimes I wonder why I put so much energy into a relationship, knowing that I'll get completely torn down into this mess by some guy who falls apart once a problem arises.

The way he left showed that he loved me in a way that will never matter.

Things weren't always bad - they were good an overwhelming majority of the time. And yet, when things were bad, he shut down, and it was like I didn't even matter anymore. He sits and hides from his problems, whether it's with his living arrangements or his school; he even hides from me.

I just feel so worthless because he would tell me he cared so much about me and just left without fighting for me. It makes me wonder if he was lying to me the whole time and just needed something to call his bluff. And when that something did... he just left. Just like that. It plays like Joel's last memory of the beach scene in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I wish he would've stayed.

Some people look for love and passion in this world, but I look for loyalty. Someone to stick by me so that when the passion fades, I know that they're not going to leave me. And still, here I am.. failed at this for the third time. Even though I haven't studied, I know I'm not going to fail my exams - really.. I'd give up a few IQ points to not have to go through this again.

On Friday evenings, I have research meetings with engineers from one of the nearby corporations where we talk about progress on the research project, things we need from them, what they want from us, etc. One of the engineers is really good, but the one who works really closely with our project doesn't have much knowledge on the material and usually sidetracks the meeting with his questions. Anyway, during last Friday's research meeting, he had made a rather sexist comment about how women can't do things right to which my advisor went "Uh oh!" and attempted some damage control (Note: half of the people in the room were women).

Anyway, today during my meeting with my advisor, he immediately prefaced the meeting by apologizing to me. I hadn't thought much of the comments on Friday, and to be honest, I'm rather surprised at how serious my advisor took them. I know the comments were meant in a joke-like fashion, and I didn't even realize that they were pointed at me until my advisor said something. It makes me wonder just how desensitized I've been to these things. There are always jokes about these kinds of things, but because they're jokes, does that make it okay?

Yesterday night, I went to Wal-Mart to buy some rechargeable batteries for my graphing calculator. I had gathered my batteries and stopped by the makeup section to check out this lip gloss that my best friend told me about a little earlier. Then, a guy came up to me and asked me if it was a good make-up brand. I was like "Huh??" since men usually don't shop around in the makeup section. He explained that his parents were visiting from a foreign country, and he wanted to get some eyelash stuff for them to bring back to his sister. It sounded reasonable enough so I pointed him toward some Maybelline mascara and explained what to find where on the packaging (color, waterproof, etc.) Usually, this is where they just say "Thanks" and leave... at least, that's what I expect.

But no... he asked for my email (how do you tell someone 'no' politely in this case?) and now he's going to email me to have coffee sometime. >.<

I really don't know how to deal with this stuff. I guess I've never really been one to try to meet people outside of school and work, and even then... I usually don't exchange contact information with people until after 3-4 conversations. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like the probability of receiving unwanted advances from being nice is higher here than back home.

To top everything off, I didn't even get to buy my batteries since I left my credit cards at home.

Yesterday, my mom left me a voicemail asking me if it would be okay for her to give the clothes I left at home to my cousins in Chicago. Generally, I tend to not care too much about giving my clothes away, given that I have picked the clothes out to give away. In fact, I had already gone through my closet before leaving for my internship and donated the decent pieces in my wardrobe to Goodwill. Many of the pieces left in my closet at home are mementos that I've had from elementary through college (my Robotics shirts, all of my choir shirts, spirit shirts, etc.) and I really don't like the idea of my mom going through these clothes and giving them away willy nilly. I say this because I don't trust her to know the difference between an item of clothing with sentimental value from a Wal-Mart shirt.

AND why in the world does she want to give away MY things to people who I don't like? My mother knows that I don't like their family. They hurt (abused is more like it) my grandma in the few years before she passed. The only time they ever speak to anybody is when they want their help... and even that is expendable. Their family has made no effort to get to know any of the rest of our family. I don't even think they know my name, even though they have my phone number to call me whenever there's something wrong with their computer (this is one of the reasons why my mother never gets my email or work number).

I know that it's not really my cousins' fault for the actions of their family - after all, they are still children. And yet, I still can't bring myself to forgive any of them - not for how they acted toward my grandma - not for how they act toward anybody. I will not pretend to like them, and I have no desire to acknowledge their presence much less help them. People like that already help themselves - there's no point in being nice to people who don't appreciate it.

I feel my lack of patience for pretending to like people is going to separate me from most of my extended family in the long run. I think it already has in many ways. The worst part is - I'm okay with it.

Does anybody else feel as if they've had to lose themselves in order to find themselves?

Does anybody else as upset as I am about what they had to lose?

Does anybody else feel lost?

What is with these young ladies posting up pictures of their sonograms on facebook?!

Yes, we get that you're pregnant. The hundreds of photos that you post of your blossoming pelvis complete with red stretch marks which starburst from your belly button is not evidence enough for us poor unassuming internet folk who happened to be an acquaintance (or casualty) of yours in high school. No.... you must expose us to the black and white mini Rorshach blobs which represent the parasite growing inside of you (their words, not mine.) It's child pornography! In fact, it's worse because "it" is even younger than a child! What next embryo porn?! My.. look at the folds in that endoplasmic reticulum!! I feel a little vomit in the back of my throat thinking that I'm being subjected to such depravity on my facebook news feed!

Keep it classy, ladies. It's a well-known fact that baby eaters troll facebook.

I had a pretty horrible weekend.

On Saturday, I was late for my oil change appointment because there was a lot of traffic due to an airshow. After that, I went to a salon for a much needed trim. I get the lady was working in a different unit of measure because she ended up cutting off over 6 inches of hair and thinning out my already thin hair so that it is completely lifeless. She also cut my sideswept bangs an inch shorter than I had asked for - I even showed her where I wanted her to cut. She cut it there, and then took a razor up an inch and cut in jagged pieces. HONESTLY?! So now, my long luscious hair is now practically a shoulder-length bob with frayed edges and my bangs are pinned to my scalp. :(

Sunday, I went surfing on the Oregon coast. The water is really cold out here probably 50 degrees or so, and my wetsuit was so constricting. The worst part was when I got out to the waves... there is no lull in the waves, they come every second... so that made it really hard to paddle out. I would walk my board out and get rocked under by strong waves. I flipped over on my board multiple times, and ocean water is SO disgusting! Anyway, the worse part was when a strong wave knocked my board into my face and gave me a fat lip as well as a bruised chin. So now, I have an ugly swollen lip and a bad haircut two weeks before I leave for school.

To top it all off, I had a horrible nightmare last night and overslept this morning. I dreamed that I had gone to an Area 51-type place with friends, and my friends kept disappearing. There was weird crap going on everywhere. I had roundworms crawling underneath my skin in my arms, and I was pulling them out one by one as I was frantically running around trying to find my friends. One of them went missing staring at a window and had her image stuck in a window screen where this gnarled hand with long nails would rip off "strings" of the screen causing the girl to be in extreme pain. I pulled the screen out of the window and ran around the complex with it. Eventually, I came to a room with a bunch of random trinkets, and I found a tin of rose balm which had some form of significance - belonged to my mom or something I can't quite remember. I was pulling out a long roundworm out of my forearm and saw all of the holes from where the worms had burrowed into my skin... when I woke up completely freaked out and examined my forearm to make sure that wasn't real.

My worst nightmares always involve me trying to save someone and failing.

At work this whole week, I have been waiting on getting licensed for this test circuit simulation engine so I can measure its performance versus our current engine's performance. I really hate that I have had to waste so many cycles this internship just waiting for my requests get lost within the design bureaucracy. What is even more entertaining is that they are auditing our UNIX group accesses so I have to submit a ticket justifying that I still need access to a group I requested access to only three months ago. You know, it's a wonder people actually manage to get any actual design work done with all of the managerial crap that goes on.

Anyway, on to my soup du jour... well, this really isn't the soup of the day since I made it on Sunday, but I think it kind of counts cause I ate it today? The thing I love about these kinds of soups are that they tend to be better the next day, or in this case, the day after.



It looks tasty, doesn't it?

I don't put up enough pictures on here, even though I love taking pictures... so I'm going to actually try to do some "life documentation" of sorts from now on.

Anyway, I had a hankering for sweets tonight, so I raided my pantry and decided to make monkey bread. I have never had monkey bread before, but I like cinnamon buns... so it couldn't be much different, right? Being that my pantry only has certain items, I actually kind of... threw a random recipe together instead of using one from the internet. I know.. dangerous with baking, but here goes -

I made a yeast bread using milk instead of water. Big mistake using full milk and no water because the extra protein in the milk made the dough impossible to knead. I had to add water and employ some serious kneading voodoo to make it work. I candied some of the walnuts I had in my pantry and topped it all off with a milk caramel spiked with cinnamon. So after all of this work, we have our end product:





Using milk instead of water for the dough gave me a heartier dough - very Cinnabon-ish. Overall, I enjoyed it. Next time, more cinnamon, smaller balls to absorb more caramel.. and of course, more caramel. ^_^

I gripe a lot about my job. I gripe a lot about how my team gives me easy, sometimes mind-numbing tasks. I gripe a lot about not having work to do. Of all of these things, I have never had to gripe about not being able to do my job. This is not the case with one of my fellow interns. He had a code review the other day for this project he's been working on for most of his internship, and his team basically told him that his work was "unusable."

I don't know what is worse - to not have any work to do or for the work you've done to be useless to others. I have done a lot of piddly little tasks here, but at least I know they're being used to help advance my team. I only hope that he is able to fix things in the time he has left so that it will be usable.

We're not sleeping, and I'm not breathing.
If this means anything at all,
I won't let you leave me anymore.

Quite a few months back, I had a convo with one of my friends from high school, and he told me that I never seemed to have problems with holding onto the past. In many ways, he's right. I've never been one to hesitate much when moving on. I don't think much of the past and of all of the "what-ifs" about what could have been. This is good, and yet.. bad in some ways.

Sometimes I feel that I'm a little blinded by my own ambition. I often let friendships and others fall by the wayside because I'm working toward some bigger goal for myself. When I left for Purdue after high school, I didn't really look back. Even now, I don't make quite the effort to reconnect with people when I'm in town.. I just drift in and out to avoid the uncomfortable "hellos" and "goodbyes." I feel like a bad friend. Correction - I know I'm a bad friend, and yet... I don't think it would be fair for me to try to make amends for the moment only to leave them again later.

In a way, I'm grateful that I've dated ambitious guys who were very understanding of this personality trait of mine. I'd say that they've even shared this with me, and we were all too comfortable with being apart and leaving each other for various reasons. I've never wanted to compromise what I have for a guy, and I never did. I always say that I'd give up X-thing, but I'm not sure I really would. Even if Dave and I were perfect and hadn't broken up, I don't think I would've given up going to Stanford for him. If he was in my position, I know he wouldn't have given it up either.

Sometimes I wish people wouldn't say "You should do whatever's best for you." I don't like being constantly reminded of the fact that I'm making a completely selfish decision. Every minute that you spend missing someone is a minute that you choose to not be with them. I know this and yet, I still end up missing people because there's really not enough of a reason to stay.

Give me a reason. Ask me to stay. Don't let me leave you anymore.

I read an article a month or so ago about how people who are disciplined enough to delay gratification tend to be more successful in life. We're often told that "good things come to those who wait" and I have been really good at waiting. Perhaps too good.

Sometimes I feel that I allow things to pass over because I'm too busy waiting for the right moment. It's silly, but I've conditioned myself to think that if I want something, all you have to do is be good and wait for it to happen. And yet.. what really seems to happen is that I end up getting passed over as a non-priority because people know that I will wait.

I know that it's an inevitable part of life, but sometimes I wonder about myself.. and why I waste all of this time waiting on something that may never happen. Why do I prize my time less than that of others?

This past week I have been a bit overwhelmed by the sense of loneliness I feel. Not to say that I lack company, but even when I'm surrounded by people, I still feel this.. emptiness. It's as if all I hear is noise which is not robust enough to thrive past my low-pass filtering ears.

I have been craving foods like sushi, chicken flautas, french fries, and such all week, and I just can't bring myself to go out and eat alone. I could ask another intern to go with me, but in both cases, the silence is deafening. I guess that's why so many people eat with the television on - it distracts them from the void they feel inside. I remember the countless silent dinners with my ex-boyfriends, and the isolation I felt was almost tear-inducing. Food was nauseating, and you just think to yourself "If I can choke it down, I win."

I miss the people who can fulfill me even in silence. People with whom you're so comfortable, that you don't even feel compelled to speak: words are needless. People whose presence is so enveloping that you feel comfort knowing that they're near. People who not only make food taste better, but the act of eating better as well.

Until I see these people again, I guess I'm just left finding solace at the bottom of a styrofoam box.

In about 2 hours, I get to see my sweetheart! There's something quite un-nerving about traveling... you always worry about missing the flight, getting delayed, or who knows what? After all of the news involving transportation accidents, I won't lie and say I'm not hesitant about getting on a plane... but gosh, it'd be so worth it to see his goofy face when I land.

I'm so excited to see him, but I already feel a little sad knowing that I'm going to have to leave.

Life is difficult.

Have you ever noticed how some bands/songs remind you of certain people in your life? I remember reading an article about how music plays as a soundtrack to your memories and how listening to certain songs can bring those memories to light. I wonder if that's why I remember things so vividly - because I'm always playing a soundtrack in my head. I suppose it's a bit silly for me to have theme songs for everybody. For me, it's like how Christian wrote a secret love song for Selene in Moulin Rouge. Regardless of what happens between them, they can hear the song and be reminded of their love for each other. I feel like I always have some undying reminder of the people who have been in my life - because even when they're not here, their songs last forever. It's as if there's some inherent melody that streams from their souls for those who wish to listen.

( my list, in no particular order )

Everybody always says that all you need a good diet and exercise to have a great body. That is complete bullshit. Unless you're an Amazon, it requires an inordinate amount of self-control to get to that trademark size 0 (because we all know that size 0 is the new 2, 2 is the new 4, and 6 is the new 14.)

I mean, what is a good enough diet to look like Adriana Lima? I know part of it's genetics and a fast metabolism, but for most, it takes a significant amount of effort to look that way. My favorite quote from The Devil Wears Prada illustrates this. Emily: "I'm on this new diet. Well, I don't eat anything and when I feel like I'm about to faint I eat a cube of cheese. I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight."

I would say that I have a fast metabolism. I've never really had to watch what I eat, but to get to my "goal body," I have to do so much more work. I don't believe I've ever lost weight due to having a good diet and exercise. The most effective "diet" for me has always been heartbreak. I always lose weight during a breakup. When you don't eat and spend your whole day crying in bed for two weeks, the pounds seem to slip away. I remember getting down to 94 lbs this past breakup with Dave, and even still... I felt so unsatisfied.

It's depressing to know that we live in a society where people are always promoting uniqueness, and yet, we all strive to fit the same mold. It's as if uniqueness is only fine as long as you're two standard deviations above some "theoretical" mean invented by stylists and fashion designers.

Everytime I think about losing weight or hear my friends talk about losing weight, I just wonder "What are you doing it for? Are you trying to be healthy or are you just trying to find some reason to love yourself?" I'm kind of scared to answer that question myself.

I usually don't get phone calls during work, so I was especially surprised when I got a call today at 10:30AM. It was Alfredo - one of my intern friends. I thought it was a bit funny for him to call me when he could just ping me over the work communicator.. until I found out he wasn't at work. In fact, he was stranded at a train station since the Intel shuttle stopped operating at 9:30AM, and he needed a ride to work from the train station. Of course, I did not hesitate to give him a lift.

Most people take having a car for granted, and I've found that many have a distaste for "chauffeuring" people around. As a person who didn't officially own a car until March of this year, I always relied a lot on the kindness of other people to help me do things that I couldn't do by myself. I remember Annie driving me to AP Bio at 6AM in the morning, and then driving me home from Robotics at 10PM at night. I remember Juli driving me to the airport at 4AM in the morning for my flight to California... and while I was carless in California, Lei drove Michelle and I to the grocery store every weekend. I remember when another intern drove me to a clinic to get antibiotics for an infection I got... and none of these people ever asked me for anything in return.

So when Alfredo called today, I didn't go because he offered to pay for my lunch.. or to make me feel good about myself for doing my "good deed of the day." I went because, at one point in time, I had been on the other end of the phone, and someone else had said "No problem, I'll be right there."

I know this stuff is not supposed to matter, but I am really tired of pretending like it doesn't just because "it's not supposed to." Growing up, I always dreamed of someday having the kind of guy who would show up at my doorstep with red roses for Valentine's Day... the kind that gives jewelry for anniversaries... the kind that gives you a reason to dress up and feel like a princess.

I was reading Waiter Rant the other day, and he was talking about getting ready for a date. He bought a dozen roses and during his walk to his date's apartment, all of these women passerbys would look at him - some looked dreamy, some sad.. some envious. To this, he wrote "Never underestimate the power of flowers."

Boys are usually not on the receiving end of flowers, so maybe they just don't understand why flowers matter to women. When I get flowers, the initial shock always sends my heart into my throat, and I become incapable of coherent thought for a few moments. Then I get bashful and a little embarrassed for being such a girl.. and of course, I put them in water because that's how it's done in the movies. Silly, I know... but for the next week or so that I see them on the counter, I smile because I've been given something for the sole purpose of making me feel special.

Jewelry is expensive, I know. Men are expected to spend a lot of money for women, and it's unfair because women don't have to spend $5000 on anything to prove their love for someone. I really hope to find a guy who thinks I'm worthy enough to spend an exorbitant amount of money on something so material... I hope that his motives would be similar to that of my friend, George - "I just wanted to get something nice for her."

Guys write off Valentine's Day as some commercial holiday. So what if it is? I'm tired of having boyfriends who are so cynical about the holiday that we end up not celebrating it. Nothing is worse than sitting and watching your friends get dressed up because their boyfriends are taking them out when you're spending the night pretend to not care. The best Valentine present I ever received was from my friend Kwok freshman year. He bought me a long-stemmed red rose and chocolates. It was unexpected, and it made me smile the whole day.

I love dresses. I love to wear them. Whenever it's anniversary time (or V-Day) for my big sis, she always says "We need to go shopping! I need an outfit for dinner!" The only time I've dressed up for a dinner with a significant other was at my honor society's banquet. I always feel so plain. I remember buying Dave a dress shirt so he would have a "date shirt," and he just never got it..

I don't know if I'll ever find someone that gets it.